Nobody Tells You This About Becoming a Mom (So I Will) By Lorin Burke, LPC | Detroit Mom | Spectrum Mom | Author| Mom Wellness Coach| Licensed Mental Health Therapist

Let’s just get this out the way: Nothing—and I mean nothing—fully prepares you for becoming a mother.

Not the baby shower games. Not the registry. Not the unsolicited advice from Auntie who “did it with four kids and no help.” Not even the parenting books that swear they’ve cracked the code (spoiler: they haven’t).

Becoming a new mom is like being handed the most precious thing in the world… while you’re sleep-deprived, bleeding, hormonal, Googling “is this normal” at 3:42 a.m., and wondering why nobody warned you that love doesn’t always arrive on schedule.

The Part Nobody Says Out Loud

We hear a lot about instant bonding. That magical moment where you lock eyes with your baby and fireworks go off and angels sing.

And sometimes? That happens. And sometimes? It doesn’t.

And when it doesn’t, the shame creeps in quietly.

You start asking yourself:

• “What’s wrong with me?”

• “Why don’t I feel what I’m supposed to feel?”

• “Am I already failing?”

Let me say this clearly: attachment is not a switch—it’s a process.

Attachment grows through care, repetition, rupture and repair. Through rocking. Through feeding. Through showing up even when you’re exhausted and touched out and overwhelmed. Through learning your baby’s language one cry at a time.

And yes—when that genuine connection feels delayed, it can impact your confidence, your mood, your patience, and your sense of self. That doesn’t make you a bad mother. It makes you human.

When Connection Feels Hard (Practical, Real-Life Strategies)

If you’re in that space—or you’ve been there—here are ways to gently build connection without pressure or guilt:

• Skin-to-skin, without expectations. No phones. No performing. Just presence.

• Narrate your care. Talk through what you’re doing. Babies connect to tone long before words.

• Observe before reacting. Get curious about your child’s cues instead of judging your response.

• Repair out loud. “Mommy was overwhelmed. I’m back now.” This matters—at every age.

• Lower the bar. Connection doesn’t require perfection. Consistency beats intensity every time.

And if your child is neurodivergent—like my youngest, Jordyn, who is on the spectrum—connection may not look like what the parenting books promised. Eye contact might be fleeting. Regulation might be hard-won. Progress might be nonlinear.

That doesn’t mean connection isn’t happening. It means it’s happening differently.

Parenting Is Lifelong (Yes, Even When You’re a Therapist)

Here’s the part that humbled me the most.

I’m a licensed mental health therapist. I’m trained. I’m experienced. I support parents for a living.

And still—after dealing with my own child’s behaviors, sensory needs, meltdowns, and regulation struggles—I had a moment where I realized:

I can’t run from this. I can’t “process it in session” and then clock out. This is my real life.

And that realization changed how I parent and how I show up for families.

Because parenting doesn’t end when the session ends. It doesn’t pause because you’re tired. And it definitely doesn’t come with a script.

You Are the Expert on Your Child

Let me empower you right here:

You are the expert on your child’s life.

Not the internet. Not the loudest voice in the room. Not even me.

My role—as a therapist, a Detroit mom, and a spectrum mom—is not to override your instincts. It’s to help you trust them again. To give you language, tools, and support so you don’t have to carry everything alone.

Breaking the “What Goes On in This House…” Rule

Many of us grew up hearing:

“What goes on in this house stays in this house.”

That message crossed communities—Black households, immigrant families, religious spaces, tight-knit families of all kinds.

And while it was meant to protect us, it also taught us silence. It taught us to normalize struggle. It taught us to survive instead of heal.

We are breaking that cycle.

Across all communities, we are:

• Normalizing mental health care

• Choosing self-love over secrecy

• Prioritizing alignment over appearances

• Teaching our children that help is strength, not weakness

Self-Care Isn’t a Luxury—It’s Maintenance

Self-care is not bubble baths only. It’s boundaries. It’s rest without guilt. It’s asking for help before you’re burnt out. It’s choosing yourself, so your child doesn’t inherit exhaustion as normal.

You don’t need to disappear to be a good mom. You need support to be a sustainable one.

If You Need Someone Like Me in Your Life

If any part of this made you exhale…If you felt seen instead of judged…If you’re tired of carrying everything quietly…

Reach out.

Whether you need guidance, validation, tools, or simply a space where you don’t have to explain yourself—I’m here. And I promise you this:

You don’t have to do motherhood alone. You don’t have to get it perfect. And you don’t have to silence yourself to be strong.

With love, honesty, and a little humor (because whew), Lorin (LB)Detroit mom. Spectrum mom. Therapist. And a firm believer that healing parents' changes everything.